First and foremost, I am sorry okay. I know it pisses you people off and I honestly know how it feels for people not to reply texts. It frustrates me too. I don't really expect you guys to know that there is a reason behind me not checking my phone as often and replying your text the next second I receive your text. I honestly don't expect you guys to understand. However, here I am to say that I have a reason behind my stupid not-checking-my-phone-and-replying-text attitude. Some of you might know why but some of you don't. Doesn't matter if you do not know why. You'd probably think that it is a stupid dumbass reason and might end up screwing me again. Whatever it may be, I am honestly trying my best. May not be my best to you (Lets put best aside. Might not even be good enough) but I know myself and I know I am trying my utmost best.
Secondly, am I really pushing my friends away? One of my friends actually brought it up one day and its got me wondering. I do realise that I'm not so close to some friends lately and I know that I may not portray interest in talking sometimes. What is most distinctive about me is that I am very temperamental and I tend to get pissed easily. Things get even more complicated when people are pissed at me when I myself is pissed. Eek. Hm, not a very nice thing of me I know. However, I honestly hope that you guys don't think that I am pushing you people aside. If you felt that this is what I am doing these few months, I'm sorry.
Some even say that I am trying hard to be happy when I'm not. Well, I just don't want to killjoy when everybody around me is happy. Cause I know what it is like to have someone sulking in a group of happy people. Yes, I shouldn't be pretending who I am not but its sometimes easier that way. Questions and worries won't be raised. Plus, you bunch of people whom I know are super concerned people. There are one or two who are over concerned. So, I honestly don't see a point to get all of you worrying for something so small and mere. And don't worry, I don't usually feel sad or melancholy with your company. It only happens once in a blue moon. The happy and cheerful side of me that you see is 99.99% genuine. I'm just more of my not-so-happy self when I'm alone.
Nothing I say or do now beats a word of sorry. May seem insincere to some but I truly am. I also don't expect you to understand or comprehend me even after my 'explanations'. Seems more like a rant to me. You'd probably get what I mean one day. I really didn't expect me to change this much after the incident. I know that I could've done better but then I became vulnerable along the way and as a result, I am what I am today. I can't guarantee you the same old Gwen but I can assure you that I'll try. :) Give me time.
One and a half years is a long time. To put everything aside like tossing a heap of clothes into the laundry basket just like that, I know I can't do that. Not even in a million years. Little did I know, it changed me.
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