Letters To You - # 6

Dear J,

Today is not the typical bright and sunny day for the both of us - we quarrelled again. I know that isn't the right word to describe what happened today but that is the best I could come up with now because I wouldn't say that it was as bad as quarrelling but I think you get my point. Well, I guess life just isn't always favourable and that everything that goes up will eventually have to come down.

I wouldn't go into the details because it is not something that we need to be reminded of but I hope that I made my point clear enough to you earlier on. I just want you to remind you again and give you my word that I am not like any other girls whom you've dealt with before this. I am not saying that I am perfect because you & I as well as just about everybody else including God knows that I am not perfect. I admit that I have my flaws too but despite all that, I would devote giving you my best.

I cannot stress enough on how I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Yes, we may be thousands of miles apart now but I know myself well enough to know what I should & should not do and also how to deal with things now that you are a part of me. You have said many many times that words can be deceiving but I trust myself enough to not go against my own words. I somewhat believe in the fact that what goes around comes around or rather, karma. So, I wouldn't do anything that I don't want to be done to me. Plus, I know exactly how it feels like to have promises broken or even heartbreak itself. All these things are just not all right. This then will relate to what I have in mind - what makes me or even you think that I would do anything like these to someone whom I love most. I simply won't do anything like these to someone whom I care a lot about because seeing them unhappy is already enough to make me unhappy. What more when I see being hurt and nothing beats the truth when they are hurt because of you (themselves which in this case is me). Don't you think so?

I know that it is easy to just utter words but words are not what matters but the actions that count. However, I believe that I am doing my utmost best in trying to prove to you that I am not like her. It is undeniable that what you went through because of your past will cause you to be more cautious now but all I hope for is for you to take a leap of faith and trust me. On the other hand, I am willing to give you all the time you need to build that trust cause I know that trust takes years to build but seconds to lose it all. I also know that you said that if I were much closer to you which is me being back in Malaysia, you would have been willing to. Nonetheless, the situation is much different now because I am 1/4 around the globe from where you are now and I know that it is not easy. It takes much trust on top of everything else but then again, I can't press on how I just wouldn't do anything undesirable to you.

Even though I may spend my time talking to my friends, I wouldn't forget about you and all if not most of my friends who know about you are happy for me. They are that kind of friends whom are ever so supportive of me. Besides that, I already said that just as you are important to me, they are important to me as well but you are on a whole different level as compared to them. They are there and I need them to back me up and be there for me just as they need me to be there for them but you on the other hand, makes up the bulk of me now and your welfare is more important to me. Although I may spend time with them, you are constantly on my mind and I would like to make you known to them as you are that significant to me.

As of now, things are not resolved yet and I honestly don't know what is crossing your mind but I hope that you will be willing to share it with me. Just tell me how you feel and what is it that you want to do or just about anything. I would feel better to know what you have in mind. I can't do this alone and I need you to walk and pass through this hurdle alongside me. I need you to be in this with me. Above all that, know that my love for you has never ceased.

I love you.
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