Things went messy between us again last night and again, it is because of me. Like I said yesterday, I wouldn't say anything to defend myself because that will be as if I am trying to brush everything under the carpet but I'll just acknowledge it and say that it was because of me. I'm not proud of it but I would rather admit to it than to overlook it. And as much as I told you that I am sorry last night, I am still feeling sorry today. I actually woke up being really remorseful this morning.
And even as we wake up and start our conversation today, it feels a little odd just as you brought it up. It is not the usual happy and jovial kind of text that we usually wake up to but it is pretty evident that tension is still in the air. And in all honesty, it makes me feel even worse. I was looking forward to a better day just as much as you did. However, it feels as if we haven't really moved on from yesterday and there is this heart wrenching feeling that I feel now. The ache that I feel in my heart everytime such things arises between us or when I see you unhappy or just about anything along this line leaves a hurting feeling. Must I say that this is how I know that what I feel for you is genuine love? Others may not agree with me but it is to me and I like to view it that way because no other people leaves me feeling like that.
Without you, there is just this big hole in my heart. That empty space that only you can fill up. With that said, not having one another or leaving one another is simply out of the question. I just know that I cannot foresee my days without you and I don't even want to think about how it feels like. Don't ever think that not having you would make me happier because not only I know that it is not true but the people around me who knows about us like Gillian and Xiao Ran knows that deep down in their heart too. They simply can see it by the way I always talk about you and in a way boast to them about you. I hope that despite everything that is happening between the both of us now, you see that too. It may be hard to believe as you said that words can be uttered easily but it is the actions that count. Then again, my actions may seem to be contradicting and betraying me but I mean it.
Remember how you also told me that you feel like a replacement to other people? How you feel that I am with you and accepting you simply because I just want to feel that gap in my life? Don't think that way please? That is simply because that is not true at all. Not a single bit of it is. I know myself more than anyone else to know how I truly feel about you. Just as I said yesterday, I have been single for so many years now so much so that I don't have a problem being single but I found you. God placed you in my life for a reason and it is not to be anyone's replacement but to be my other half. Besides, I know that I wouldn't be playing with other people's feelings because I have seen enough of my friends and people whom I know who had their feelings being played with and it is just not what I would put you through. I wouldn't. I would slap myself real hard in my own face if I were to be such a
I honestly don't like how our days are so uncertain. What I mean by that is that one day we may be all happy & jolly together and the next, we seem so distant & far apart. I don't like the feeling of having a gap between the both of us because it gives me a sense of being a failure and for not trying hard enough to keep and treasure the most important person in my life. To make things simple, for allowing such a thing from happening because it is not supposed to. :( I know this whole long distance thing can be a real challenge at times and I know that you were never a fan of it from the start so even the thought of you giving it a shot for me leaves me on cloud nine which in turn leaves me even more forlorn for not giving you what you deserve. I want you to know that your decision means more than anything in the world to me and I can't thank you enough for giving me a chance to prove myself. Not once, not twice but so many times.
I know I have said this many times before this but I am truly sorry again. You don't seem to be buying my sorrys and until I feel that you are ready to forgive me, I wouldn't be at ease. But I hope that you do because I don't think I can bear another minute of having such dark aura around us. I just want things to be fine and how things used to be because they are my happiest days and I want to see you happy too.
On another note, I promise to try harder but I want you to know that I cannot do this alone either. I need you to walk this road alongside me. Do know that I truly want the best for the both of us and I'd do anything for us to be have better days ahead. And I just want to remind you that you mean the world to me and that I'd climb the highest mountain and swim in the deepest oceans just for you. I will end this post with that
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
What lies ahead are unsaid.
But together, we will pull things through.
I love you.
I'm sorry & I miss you.
I'm sorry & I miss you.
And only you know how much I mean it when I say it.
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