Dear J,
It has been three days since you've been back from your mission trip and at the same time, three days since you've been back home. This time, it is your real home - Penang. I'm sorry I didn't write to you yesterday but I was really struggling to keep my eyes open and I didn't want to risk being late for class again today just as I was late yesterday. Heh. Since I didn't write to you last night although I really wanted to last night, I promised myself that I would write to you today and here I am. :D
I received a very very very good news from you yesterday. Yay! I know that is not confirmed and everything is like at the beginning stage but I would like to hold onto that because it is something I am really looking forward to. I know that you said about not willing to leave KL cause it feels like it is your second home to you now. Technically, it is actually. I think you kinda mean that it is your second home now right? Lol. But anyway, that is the point. I know that a very big part and must I say, a very big and selfish part of me would want you to be here with me but at the same time, I know I would rather see you make a choice that will make you happy instead of making a choice that you will regret and not be happy with. Then again, it does make you happy to be with me right? *puppy eyes* So, I'll just do what I have to do now and at the same time manage my expectations and hope for the best.
On the other hand, you have been showing me a big part of your caring side lately. To be more precise, it is since I told you about the pain I feel in my lower back. It is not that you haven't been caring all these while but it is more obvious since then. I remember how concerned you were about it so much so that you would scold me and be mad at me because I don't listen to you. And since the pain got back a few days back where I went to the gym and me running after the bus not only yesterday but today as well, you've been very persistent about me seeing the doctor too. And as a matter of fact, I had to run after the bus when I wanted to get to uni and also when I wanted to go home. I think I have got to be really unlucky or maybe I should just get my ass out of bed earlier and walk to the bus stop earlier. But my sleep... :( I'll think of a way. Heh. Back to the topic, there is something about the way you deal with me that you constantly get things going your way in the end. I'm not complaining, no but I realise that I have a really soft spot when it comes to you. :)
However, my main point about my previous paragraph is that I am actually afraid. Like, what if it is more than a normal lower back pain that every experiences? What if there is a growth that so happens to be malignant? Or what if there is a growth that is benign because I don't think it will be any better than it being malignant? What if I have to undergo an operation? What if I end up being bed ridden? What if I become paralysed? I know that I may be thinking overboard but as much as I can convince myself that everything will be alright, I can't help but think of the negative side too. And if any of the above really happens, I honestly don't know what I will do. Especially with you. I don't know if I have been watching too much drama as a kid but I don't want to be a burden. Not to anybody and especially not to you. This doesn't really only apply to this but just about any sickness or disease that may arise. Like I told you earlier, I would obviously want you to be by my side all the time but at the same time, I do not want to see you so burdened and heartbroken. I know that I have seen enough of my people around me being so helpless and saddened when any calamity falls upon their loved ones and I wouldn't want you to feel that way. :(
Speaking of dramas, you know how there is always a couple and when one of them falls sick, the one that is ill will just do all sorts of things to break their lovers heart so that they will be separated? Simply because the one who is ill doesn't want to be a burden to their lover and would want them to be happy and also not see their loved one who is ill suffer? Believe it or not, I was telling myself that I might just do the same thing if that ever happens to me when I was younger that is. But I am old enough to think now so I won't deal with things this way. Heh. And I still find it really cute and funny how you were texting like me this evening. You know that I would always want you to be by my side along the way. When you said that I have a very smart guy with me, I really do agree with that.
Okay, enough about that. Hehe. I didn't realise that I wrote so much about that one thing. Anyway, I hope that you are having a good time back home with your friends. I'm pretty sure that they really miss you too considering the fact that you're so close to them and have so much influence on them. Hehe. Did you manage to see your two girlfriends though - Chloe and Chanel? :P I know that you saw your nephew already and I must say that I cannot stand his cuteness. Hee. And the both of you really look so so adorable together. I know that I have said that already but lo and behold because this won't be the last time you hear it. :D Speaking of your nephew, I know that I cannot wait to have our own clan. I know that I will love them so so much and take care of them like treasures because they will be the greatest gift you can ever give me. Okay, that doesn't exclude the other gifts alright. *grins*
Remember my Instagram post from last night too? The one where I say you make me happy. As much as you already know it, I want to remind you again that the "you" is actually you. It has always been and will always be. And remember the question you asked me yesterday? If I would prefer a guy who will tease and make me laugh or in a way do things according to the gentleman's rule? I would say that having both characteristics will be good but yet again, I would be more on the teasing and making me laugh side. I'm pretty sure that was what attracted me to you in the first place. The days where you would always tease me with all sorts of things and just aim everything at me. Those were the days and I miss it and miss you and just can't wait to spend my time with you. I would always think of all the things I want to do with you when I get back and the first thing I'll do when I see you and just about everything every single night and I can't wait for it. Heh.
I think I will stop here for today alright? I could go on and on but I have to finish up my progress report for this week and it is getting late. Heh. I promise to write to you again soon.
I love you.
From the bottom of my heart.
xx
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