I think that you are very disappointed at me right now. I wouldn't blame you if you are because I am disappointed at myself too. For one, I did not write to you last night and for another, for bringing up another unnecessary fuss again today. I know I said a lot in my text to you just now already and I won't want to rewrite what I wrote and bring things up again because things are not resolved yet as it is and thinking of all the consequences of what I did is scary enough.
As of now, I don't know what is it that you are thinking or how is it that you are feeling about me but all I assume is that you are really very tired of me and you are just plain disappointed at me. I don't now why but the feeling of failing you is overwhelming me again. Even as I am writing to you now, I am listening to the song that you recorded for me before you left and I've been crying for the past half an hour now and I don't think I can stop my tear ducts from producing more tears. Actually, I know why am I crying non-stop now. You want to know why? It is because I feel so undeserving.Thinking of everything that you've done to make me smile, all the times you become so cheeky just to make me laugh, sing to me simply because you know I love it when you do, accompanying me even though you're tired and the so many other things. What makes me even more undeserving now is watching all the videos you made for me and seeing how true you are even as you sing every word, verse, chorus and bridge. It feels as if that you're singing every song whilst storying me or in a way, confessing to me. Yes, our journey together are not always easygoing and of no obstacles but I would like to just look back at the things that make me happy because it is what is worth thinking of.
Then again, I always have to be so oversensitive and have a mind that likes to overthink which results to me ruining what what we have between us all over again. Thinking of it all now makes me feel so remorseful. For bringing up what I did and for making nothing into something. I wish that we could undo everything that has been done, unsay everything that has been said and just be who we were before this but who am I kidding? We all know that words said cannot be unsaid and actions done cannot be taken back. As a result of that, I am where I am now - repentant and feeling so stupid & foolish.
All I can do now is question myself. Nothing but question myself for all the things that I have done. I have been very lost and soulless the whole day. I know that I am where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do but today, I am doing it as if I have been programmed to do it. From church to work to preparing for lunch tomorrow. I know my body is moving about but I am just now there at the same time. Like I said just now, my soul and mind are in the planer of its own. And that caused me to be screwed at work because I was just so unfocused and separated from the world. All I was doing was thinking about you & us. Realising that I am putting our relationship on the line just because of what I did again really makes me feel like an idiot. Nothing but that.
I know that I have been apologising so much now that you might not buy what I say again anymore and you are probably sick of listening it from me again and again. I also know that if you ever feel like you cannot stand me or put up to me, it is also solely my fault. Besides, if you ever have the thought of not wanting to talk to me or just want to put everything on hold, I would understand. It won't make things any easier for me but I would so that you will feel better. After all, I want you to be happy and like I said in my previous post that putting your needs before mine is on of the ways I would want to show you how much I love you.
Even though you may not want to hear this from me or if you are just so tired of hearing the same thing over and over again, I am sorry. I would simply leave it as "I am sorry" today because I might be overdoing things if I were to say more and you probably had enough of me and my crap today. So, I am sorry. Above all things, know that and please believe that my love for you has never ceased or diminished. If there is one thing that I have learnt from the experience of you going to Cambodia it it that I realise how much more I love you and need you. You may find it hard to believe but that is the truth and I hope that you see it. If there is one song I could sing to you right now, it would be Plain White T's "1, 2, 3, 4".
"Love someone who leaves so many holes in you that if they were to walk away, half of your soul would go with them"
-Emery Allen
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything."
-Katharine Hepburn
I love you.
Those words are truer than true.
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